Getting Rid of the Apostrophe

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I was recently invited to a party I was fearful to attend,because I didn’t think I knew a lot of the guests. So when the host, who happens to be a special friend asked, if I would be coming, my response was “I’ll try my best to be there.”

It has become very clear to me that I have hidden behind that little apostrophe mark for too long. It is such a safe word; it makes me sound like a nice person but it keeps me from having to commit. “I’ll try,” “I’ll see,” and “I’ll think about it” are examples of how I made excuses to mask the fear and anxiety I have about so many things.

It is becoming clear to me lately that I used my mother as my security blanket. Having her to care for, in a way, was a solution for me to stay in the safe “I'll do it one day” life. I would watch and admire others but just could not get the courage to say I WILL.

Most people thought I was hard on myself. After all, I was so funny and outgoing…who ever would have thought I was extremely anxious? Yes, I have had anxiety since I was a child. Sadly it was not something that was understood years ago, and it was easier emotionally for my parents to protect me versus forcing me out into the world. I heard a lot of “Donna can't do that,” and when she was scared it was ok for her to not have to go. I so understand they were trying to protect me; no one likes to see their children hurting.

Hiding behind the apostrophe and being allowed to avoid things was normal for me, but was making me sad. I wanted to venture and try. Staying safe in” I’ll” was actually making me ILL.  It is remarkable how moving that apostrophe can change that little word and having the WiLL to add just one letter can change the meaning completely. I knew it was time to say goodbye to the past and do my best to work on the anxious feelings. Anyone that suffers anxiety knows it is a silent paralyzing pain that most don’t know you have or even can understand.

With a racing heart but a smile on my face I attended the party I was trying to avoid. I had the most wonderful afternoon. I was wrong in my assumption I would not know anyone; I actually reconnected with people I have not seen in a very long time and I also met some wonderful new people.

 It was a beautiful day, and again I would have lost out on a great memory had I listened to my fear and remained in the “I’ll” mindset. I am blessed my friend pushed me to say yes. Sometimes you must know you cannot do everything alone, and you need help.

I continue at times to hide behind the apostraphes of my life. I have a long way to go and lots of fights with anxiety to get through for sure. I have a list of things I want to try to do. Some of them I WiLL do soon, and some may take a little more work.

 I share my story of the anxiety and insecurities I have to inspire others. I believe each of us has fears that hold us back.

At times we all need a cheerleader to remind us we can do it. Perhaps one person will relate to this post and know they are not alone and I can be their cheerleader as my friend was and remains mine.

I am blessed to have many strong people in my life who have gone through things that I could not even imagine. I watch them with deep admiration as they stand up and say “I will” every single day. I know what I am going through is nothing compared to their journey.

Each day that passes and I write about in my journal will be history of my story to be left behind.   Reading back on some of the pages of my life I had a lot of “I’ll try” days and it makes me sad that I was so afraid to peek around the apostrophe mark.

I am attempting things I never imagined possible. I still get anxious, but I try hard not to let it overcome me and talk it out with people who care. If I need help stepping into a moment of fear I ask for help, but I go!!!!

I am 50 something, and I truly want these to be the best days of my life. I  am throwing away the  apostrophe mark because the journey of trying to say I  WILL to new things and learning  feels GREAT and, while at times scary,  more exciting!!!  

I thank my very  special cheerleader who I feel got me through a major breakthrough, and I applaud  the many wonderful strong women in my life who I watch and admire and am thankful for each day. Together, let’s stand up and cheer I WILL!!!!  

Donna Ryan is the author and editor of the blog 50plusstickingtogether. To read Donna's blog, click here.