When Cutting Toxic Family Ties Impacts Your Loved Ones

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Cutting ties with family members is one of the hardest decisions we may face in life, because we are conditioned to believe that to terminate relationships with "family" is morally and inherently wrong. The facts are that "family members" are just people and not always healthy people, and if these people weren't family we would never choose them to be a part of our lives due to their poor treatment of us. Therefore, we spend years sacrificing our mental and emotional health under the notion that we "have to" because these people are our family. We are conditioned to believe that if we end relationships with them that we are "bad", and no one wants to feel that.

It took me 42 years to finally terminate relationships with two close family members. And the following are ways to make the same, healthy choice when there are others involved:

1) Adult parent with Adult Children cutting off their Parent/Parents:  In this situation, the adult children have had these grandparents in their lives most of their lives and they have the maturity to make the choice to stay in touch with their grandparents or not. Typically, in this situation the adult children are aware of the reasons their parent cut off the grandparents and some may choose to support their parent or they may try and be amenable to both sides by staying out of the conflict.  This can feel like a betrayal of the parent by their children that their children would still want that relationship after knowing what harm was done to them by their own parent.

2) Adult Parent with Small Children:  Children under the age of 18 are very vulnerable to influence and in this situation the parent has the right to protect them or keep them from family members (uncles, aunts or grandparents) the parent has chosen to separate from a toxic person to protect the child/ren from being poisoned or put in the middle. Younger children are easier to manipulate and coerce than adult children and if family members you have cut off have been abusive to you it is likely they will abuse and/ or manipulate your children as well—by turning them against you.

3) Divorce and Parent Alienation:  In a divorce situation where one parent feels betrayed by another, it can put the children in a position to align with the parent who didn’t want the divorce.  This puts them at odds with the parent who left, who is now seen as bad.  It is important for children to be able to make their own opinions and to be able to have a relationship with the “bad” parent and not have it be seen as a betrayal of you or as a justification of their bad behavior.  Alienating children from their other parent is always wrong.  But there are situations, such as infidelity, where the children will be alienated on their own from the “bad” parent for many years. The “good” parent needs to always be open to their children reconciling and finding peace in whatever way is healthiest for them. You can support their decision without encouraging separation.

4) Parents Cutting off their Siblings:  If your children have grown up and love and adore their aunts and uncles, then the problems of the parents shouldn’t impact the children.  Nor should the adults see their nieces and nephews any differently or treat them differently. This is when gossip needs to stop.

5) Parent Cutting Off a Child:  This situation isn’t as common as the others, but it does happen when children are abusive to their parents to a point where they need to be cut off. This does not mean other family members have to cut them off, but those other members need to support these children to develop healthier behaviors towards the parents who cut them off and to refuse to condone the abuse.

 When I cut my ties I felt the freedom I had always desired to feel and I also felt a certain aloneness, but I finally accepted my trlsyibrd were never going to be able to love and support me in the ways I deserved. I was tired of exhausting myself to be "lovable" in their eyes. Not needing their approval set me strongly into my own sense of self, purpose and into much healthier relationships. The decision took 42 years but when I made it, I was certain I had made the right decision and I still feel that way today. I am finally rid of the all the anxiety, neediness and pleasing I did to fit. I do not hate them, and I do not need them. I am happy without them. As I have grown and experienced adult life I have learned the hard truth about things — about people. People can be inherently self-seeking; not all people have good intentions, even if you are related to them. Not all people want what's best for me. It's was my job to make my world the best it can be.

Sherapy Advice: LOVE YOURSELF

Sherrie Campbell, PhD is a veteran, licensed Psychologist with two decades of clinical training and experience providing counseling and psychotherapy services to residents of Yorba Linda, Irvine, Anaheim, Fullerton and Brea, California. In her private practice, she specializes in psychotherapy with adults and teenagers, including marriage and family therapy, grief counselling, childhood trauma, sexual issues, personality disorders, illness and more. She has helped individuals manage their highest high and survive their lowest low—from winning the lottery to the death of a child.  Her interactive sessions are as unique as her new book, Loving Yourself :The Mastery of Being Your Own Person.