Gardening Anyone?

By Sally Franz

My first garden was in third grade. We started tomato seeds in class and I brought the four-inch high plants home. The only sunny place in the whole yard was on the side yard next to the stairs to the basement. Remember the slanted doors against the house that were nigh unto impossible to open? Anyway that is where I grew my first tomatoes.  They were amazing. I was hooked.

I think the current generation looks at gardening like work. I don’t see gardens in suburbia much. I am guessing with both parents working there is no one willing to spend the last few hours of the day watering and weeding. Okay it is effort, but I think of it more like golf than work; an excuse to be outside for hours.

Of course it can cost the same as golf. First I buy the seeds and when the seedlings die I buy the wee little plants. When I manage to over water or dry out the small plants, I buy the big ones. After those are in the dumpster I buy fresh produce at the Farmer’s Market. It’s a win-win. I keep busy and the local economy thrives.

I do have certain luck with a few vegetables. Zucchini is a good example. Also wax and green beans. These are vegetables I love, but after the third container-ship sized crop per plant, they lose their charm. There are only a few ways to cook beans: boil, stir fry and microwave. Fortunately zucchini is much more versatile. You can bread it and make casseroles, put it in soup and even spaghetti if you have the correct gizmo. You can Also shred it and make a dessert like carrot cake. The problem comes in a trait that zucchini has of producing turkey size squash overnight. And those are not only hard to cook with, they are impossible to give away.

At the end of the day and more to the point, by August you cannot disguise beans or zucchini if you put them in a clown suit and set them on fire with rum. No, the hoards at the dinner table start begging for exotic fare like asparagus.

The problem with asparagus is that it takes about three to five years to establish. And you don’t just chuck the roots in the ground. You have to dig a two-foot deep trench and fill it with soil mixed with lots of sand. And to be honest, at my age I am not so sure I want to invest in a crop I might not live to see come to fruition.

Then there is something called “soil amending”. Basically what that means is you can’t trust the dirt you own to produce a crop. So what you do is buy treated manure in car size bags that is not smelly. You also buy sand, peat moss, garden soil, bone meal, and blood meal. And if that isn’t enough, you buy time-release plant food. Which is ironic because I thought soil and water was all plants needed, but I guess even plants have become high tech and uber picky eaters.

Sally Franz is a former stand-up comedian, motivational speaker, and radio host. She is a twice-divorced mother of two and a grandmother of three. Sally has a degree in gerontology and several awards for humor writing. She is the author of “Scrambled Leggs: A Snarky Tale of Hospital Hooey,” and “The Baby Boomer’s Guide to Menopause.”