The Learner's Permit

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My stepson just got his Learner's Permit. I usually let my husband ride shotgun as much as possible, but every once in a while it is my "turn" to oversee the instruction. I can feel my toes curl up in my shoes when we approach an intersection. I remember my own days of getting a driver's permit. It was such an ordeal for my mother. Much of the time she dug her fingernails into the window well peering down the right side of the car bracing for impact. I finally worked out a deal with an upperclassman who had a car. I helped him pass English and he taught me how to drive. It was back when the Blue Laws in New Jersey left the parking lots of malls dead empty on Sundays. My pal, "Guy" was a gem. He barely winced as I stalled his precious baby and stripped the gears. I came close to ramming light posts when the reserve magically was in the D drive mode.

It was there I practiced parallel parking between non-existent cars. It got a bit tricky with the real thing. But it was also back when we had FREE Driver's Ed in school as a course. So on the first try I got my license. My mother must have been on Valium those days. Now they want $350 for the course. So until we are sure my stepson will actually pass the course, we are the guinea pigs out on the highways and byways. It is like driving with my grandmother. Pedal to the metal on country roads with dramatic screeching halts for turns. (Whiplash was easier at 10 with her than now at 64). Gramma used to drop a wheel or two into the side ditch at 40 miles per hour, throw the spinning steering wheel left and declare in one breath,"Oopsy, now don't tell your mother, we are fine."

My own children are in their forties, almost bracing for Learner Permits for their own children, so this throw-back parenting has taken its toll on me. But it has made me think it is high time to institute Learner Permits for several areas of life. How about a permit to learn to date and interact with the intended partner's parents? Showing some interest in their family life. And maybe a run through drill on the please and thank you usage. Setting the table or at least clearing dishes without grunting is a skill many adults can't grasp to this day. Perhaps gaining an appreciation for the cost of movie tickets, snacks and gas –yes, both there and back. Maybe even doing a specific list of chores to gain access to that thing called allowance. Never mind the permit to parent.

I'd l Ike to see a Learner's Permit for cleanliness 101. Not personal hygiene since most teenagers are obsessive compulsive about hair and skin. (My husband and I are of a certain age where we can protect ourselves by giving a designated bathroom to our teen.) I am however suggesting a Learner's Permit for a clean room and clean sheets before they are gray and greasy. Yes, doing your own laundry (that is wash, put in dryer before mildew, fold and put away…yes all that!), clearing your own dishes from your room. Having them rinsed and stacked downstairs would be on that curriculum as well. Advanced points for dusting and vacuuming their own personal space. I'd like to see a permit lesson for computer gaming. How to play and walk away after an hour. That would be my first goal. 

Cooking is another area of adult skills that should come with a course and Learner's Permit. Here's a hot tip, you can actually burn things in a microwave. You can melt all manner of plastic wear and catch paper on fire too. Maybe before cooking there should be a course on following directions. How many cups of water, how important is it on a scale of 1-10 to actually stand in front of the stove while making pasta. You know the part where it says stir constantly? Even the part where it says stir occasionally? That does not mean between battles online. iIt means every other minute or so. And no we can't just buy another pot when you fuse this one to the glass stove top.

Alas, while there might be Driver's Ed for hire out there, the how to "survive as an adult on my own" courses are still up to the landlord and lady of the manner.

Sally Franz is a former stand-up comedian, motivational speaker, and radio host. She is a twice-divorced mother of two and a grandmother of three. Sally has a degree in gerontology and several awards for humor writing. She is the author of "Scrambled Leggs: A Snarky Tale of Hospital Hooey,"and "The Baby Boomer's Guide to Menopause."