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Unexpected Advice About Love & Sex

A study published by the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles has found that a shockingly high number of men and women experience some form of sexual difficulty. From performance anxiety to difficulty reaching climax to pain during sex, over one-third of the men and nearly half of the women surveyed said they suffer from some sexual issue.

What can be the cause of these issues? I believe that it is partly due to the fundamental misunderstandings that exist between men and women as well as the fact that so many people have harmful or incorrect views of sex and love. In my new Mind-Blowing Love Series, I challenge these misconceptions and help people to achieve the sex life they desperately desire.

Here, I’ll share some of the unexpected advice that will change your relationship inside and outside the bedroom:

1)      Sex requires orgasm. So many men avoid having sex because they have fears of premature ejaculation or losing their erection. We need to change the way we think about sex—it isn’t about reaching a specific destination or following a set map, such as foreplay, intercourse, cuddling. If you are simply in the moment and conscious of your body, you can allow things to happen, rather than forcing an orgasm or expecting an erection. Instead, touch your partner and be touched. Stay aware. Notice what is happening. Let the rest go.

2)      Men and women should be equal. This is true when it comes to the boardroom, but when it comes to our relationships, equality is not the best thing to seek. Things won’t always be fair between you. Rather than strive for total equality, seek for total acceptance—each of you has uniquely masculine and feminine gifts to offer, and when those qualities aren’t allowed to shine, your libido is going to be negatively affected.

3)      You have to have your partner’s participation to change your relationship. You can actually change your relationship without your partner even being aware that you are making a change. That’s because true change happens on an energetic level—from embracing your true power, rather than simply donning a sexy new bra or scheduling a date night.

4)      Your partner should please you. No wonder so many men struggle with anxiety in the bedroom. We need to stop thinking that men GIVE women orgasms. Orgasms aren’t something to be bestowed upon us. We are the ones in charge of creating our own pleasure.

5)      Your partner’s bad mood should not affect you. We think that when our partner has a bad day, it’s normal to get upset and reflect that same emotional mood, Not so. The most helpful and kind thing you can do is maintain your own energetic state and radiate unconditional love to him.

Laura Berman, Ph.D., is a world-renowned educator and therapist in the area of love, sex, and relationships. She is the founder and director of the Berman Institute in Chicago, which specializes in helping couples learn to resolve conflict, come together in crises, and grow their emotional and physical intimacy to new heights. She is assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and obstetrics/gynecology at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University. Considered a thought leader in her field, Dr. Berman is a New York Times best-selling author of many books on love, sex, and relationships and host of the nationally syndicated radio show Uncovered Radio with Dr. Laura Berman. She has appeared in the pages of nearly every major U.S. magazine and newspaper, as well as on most television talk and news shows. Dr. Berman serves on the advisory board for The Dr. Oz Show and is the most frequent guest on Steve Harvey. She lives in Chicago with her husband, three sons, and dog. Website:


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