When Everything's Great...Except The Sex

By Eve Marx

So you’re back on the dating circuit. Maybe you were married before, or in a long relationship. Maybe you’ve been single and without a sexual partner for a while. Now you’re dating, and you’ve found someone you like a lot.

You’re both morning people who share a taste for screwball comedy. You agree deep dish pizza is preferable to thin crust. Even better, you know you’re both dog (not cat) people.

Then you find out there’s a problem between the sheets. He’s just not good in bed.

Is there hope for this relationship moving forward, or should you call it quits?

Sexual incompatibility is an enormous issue that can signal an end to what seemed like the perfect budding relationship. But while certain obviously glaring issues can be deal breakers, the vast majority of physical-intimacy issues between consenting adults can be resolved by communication and a willingness to leave one’s comfort zone.

Some points to take into consideration:

Is it just you who feels this way or is it both of you? The female libido has been known to take a nosedive at the onset of menopause. It’s possible that no matter how attentive your new partner is, your body just takes longer to respond. If you’re not having an orgasm despite foreplay and vigorous intercourse, have a chat with your gynecologist before blaming your partner. A common first step to remedying the situation is to have your hormone levels checked. Your doctor may recommend an estrogen treatment that will help you achieve satisfaction.

Are you open to learning each other’s sexual likes and dislikes? Your new partner isn’t a mind reader; unless you tell him where you prefer to be touched and how, he’s bound to make mistakes. Is there a position you favor, or do you always tense up when your tummy’s touched? Convey this information to your new partner. As long as you share your preferences in a friendly way, most likely he’ll appreciate the advice. If he doesn’t, that should send up a red flag.

Is it just awkward? Elbows in the wrong place or can’t find a comfortable position? Sex, even between two people who are youthful and acrobatic, can be physically awkward. The best solution is to keep trying and to speak up. Most important, be willing to laugh at the ludicrous parts. Sex can be comical, and often a good laugh is more bonding to you as a couple than having a simultaneous orgasm.

Are you focusing on the person or your expectations? When we’re very attracted to a new person, we project what it’s going to be like in bed. Upright and fully clothed, this person is irresistible; naked and lying down, they might seem entirely different. You may have spent hours fantasizing about your new partner and the great sex you’re going to have only to discover he’s just a regular guy who finishes in a few minutes and then turns over and goes to sleep. Measure your disappointment against your expectations before you show him the door.

Basically, though, most guys want to make their partners happy. If you’re thinking there’s a chance you might be in this for the long haul, invest the time to get to know each other – sexually and otherwise.

Eve Marx is a writer and book author living in the Pacific Northwest. A former Penthouse Forum editor, she has written extensively on the subject of sex.