Dating in The Age of The Selfie

By Deborah Downey

All the good ones are taken … I’m too old to feel THAT way again … I don’t look as good as I used to … I haven’t accomplished enough at my age … I don’t even know how to flirt anymore …

For older singles hungry for partnership, these common worries can prevent taking the steps that lead to fulfilling relationships, says dating and life coach Deborah Downey. And, of course, the dating scene has changed quite a bit in the past decade alone; younger people meet online and wallpaper their profiles with selfies.

ΓÇ£Although the ΓÇÿselfieΓÇÖ is now widely accepted, there are some older singles who are intimidated by what it seems to signify: that weΓÇÖve gone from the ΓÇÿAge of AquariusΓÇÖ to an age of vanity and superficiality,ΓÇ¥ says Downey, author of ΓÇ£What Are You Worried About!ΓÇ¥

ΓÇ£ItΓÇÖs one thing to be self-actualized and self-enriched; itΓÇÖs another to be self-absorbed.ΓÇ¥

For older singles looking to date — and more, thereΓÇÖs plenty to feel optimistic about, says Downey, who found romance later in life after her husband passed away. Despite living with multiple sclerosis for 25 years, she says, sheΓÇÖs happy and fulfilled.

There are more singles than ever age 40 and older that are looking for love. Downey offers tips for the older single looking for a meaningful and lasting connection.

ΓÇóIgnore ego-based doubts. ItΓÇÖs easy to idealize memories of dating when you were younger, perhaps in better shape and more energetic. But most likely, your younger self was also scared of not being ΓÇ£good enoughΓÇ¥ and was probably not as self-actualized as who you are today. DonΓÇÖt fall for the ego doubts of your youth; embrace your maturity, part of which includes accepting who you are in any situation. If that is difficult, consider this period in your life as an opportunity to improve self-acceptance.

ΓÇóKnow your target and have fun! Dating takes time and effort, so donΓÇÖt go into it blind. You may want to specify your preferences, such as ΓÇ£non-smokerΓÇ¥ or ΓÇ£financially independentΓÇ¥ or ΓÇ£health conscious.ΓÇ¥ Once on your date, remember that youΓÇÖre supposed to be having fun, nerves notwithstanding. The best way to gauge whether the date is going well is to take note of whether youΓÇÖre actually enjoying yourself.

• Internet dating is legit. The stigma against meeting dates online has all but lifted. You’ll want to represent yourself fairly and accurately in a profile. Don’t go blank and write an overly simple profile; tell a good, positive story about a small victory during childhood or talk about your bucket list. Forget about clichés like wine tastings or hobbies, avoid poor spelling and make sure your photo is current. Don’t try to be “cool” or clever; just be real. When meeting someone, use common sense: take it slow, be wary of scams, meet in a public place and so on.

ΓÇóConsider the sensibilities of your date. After a few successful dates, remember that men and women share universal sensibilities. Men and women both like to be complimented, admired and appreciated. Everyone wants to feel important. Specifically, men like it when women suggest doing something together that he will like, such as going fishing or to a sporting event. Women generally appreciate being encouraged to express their feelings, and when men share their own feelings.

ΓÇ£Above all, be comfortable and in touch with your inner self and youΓÇÖll be more likely to be ΓÇÿlucky in love,ΓÇÖ ΓÇ¥ Downey says.

Deborah DowneyΓÇÖs experience spans 25 years of recovery in various 12-step programs around the country. Holding certifications as a professional life coach and as a chemical dependency counselor, Downey has dealt with addiction in its various forms, both as the child of alcoholic parents and as a confidant for others. In her self-help book, ΓÇ£What Are You Worried About!ΓÇ¥ Downey, who has multiple sclerosis, details a proactive approach to training oneΓÇÖs mind to think positive. For more information, visit www.coachdeborahdowney.com.