Between Rocks and Hard Places

By Darcy Thiel

IΓÇÖm continuing to read my own books. IΓÇÖve given in to marking them up with edits. I canΓÇÖt help myself. But if IΓÇÖm hard on myself about writing, you should hear what I do to myself about parenting.

Hindsight might be 20/20, but our memories of past events are also partly skewed, even for those of us that do pretty well with details. I have been surprised as IΓÇÖve been reading my journal entries, that my angst about ΓÇ£losing my so ΓÇ¥ along the way started long before his teenage years.

I just didnΓÇÖt realize how long ago it started. The answer startled me. As I read, my first thought was it started right after my husband died. Then I realized it actually started when he got sick.

Tim got diagnosed in May. I remembered that sometime in July, Dave came to me and asked if he could stop going places. He was worn out and wanted to stay home. He was only seven at the time.

A kid that young isnΓÇÖt supposed to be at home on summer vacation and watch his dad deteriorate. We were also overwhelmed with treatment, educating ourselves about disease, and making preparations for our future. Oh yeah, both of us trying to work as well. People really stepped up and took Dave everywhere. Super fun places too. But that created the situation where he came to me and said, ΓÇ£Enough.ΓÇ¥

I should have paid more attention to my boy. But would it have been right to not be by Tim’s side whenever possible?

That five months of TimΓÇÖs illness was when Timmy and Dave got much closer than they were already. I literally felt sick to my stomach thinking about this little kid who was losing his dad but also lost his mom in the process. My priority was helping Tim journey out of this world. I didnΓÇÖt ignore my son by any means, but I was definitely focused on doing this ΓÇ£thingΓÇ¥ as best we could.

I should have paid more attention to my boy. I shouldnΓÇÖt have shipped him off all the time. I should have. I shouldnΓÇÖt have. But would it really have been right to not be by TimΓÇÖs side whenever possible? He literally only had five months. Was that too much to ask to be the priority? IΓÇÖm so sick of Catch-22 situations and being caught between a rock and a hard place. ItΓÇÖs so unfair.

Dave has always been my biggest worry since the moment he was conceived. And that has only exponentially grown since the death of his father. I thought I was relatively well equipped to handle it, but looking back, I pretty much botched it up. I wonΓÇÖt ever feel good about that.

IΓÇÖm also aware though, that if I had handled it differently, I would be blogging now about how I pretty much botched up a different aspect of that event in our lives. Because no matter what angle you looked at it, it was an impossible situation to deal with.

And almost nine years later, I can tell you it still is.