Manny and Benny Talk of Women

By Carol Netzer

Editor’s note: Carol Netzer, 93, a retired psychologist, is a resident of an assisted-living home in New York City. She has written two books, Assisted Living: An Insider’s View and Adventures in The Old Folks’ Home, chronicling her adventures there. The first followed her transition from independent living and her early months in her new environment. Her second, she says, is “a collection of anecdotes about the characters and situations I encountered in two different assisted living facilities. They are often funny, sometimes sad, and always about real people.” (For daily anecdotes and quotes, read her website.) Assisted Living: An Insider’s View here and the Adventures in The Old Folks’ Home can be ordered from Amazon: click here and here. You can read her earlier thirdAGE blog posts here and here:

I’m sitting near Manny and Benny in the living room. They don’t seem to mind my eavesdropping because they’re not lowering their voices.

Manny says, “So what was so important I couldn’t go to woodworking this morning?”

“Dee-Dee. She wants an answer.”

“Dee-Dee. What kind of a name is Dee-Dee?”

“Oh, you know. Her name is Florence but she hates it. She was named for a grandmother who never left her a penny. So Dee-Dee she is.”

“Could have been Florrie or Flo. Even Flossie, would that kill her? Dee-Dee sounds like a hootchy-kootchy dancer, not some old lady in carpet slippers. What does she want anyway?”

“She wants me to be the fourth at dinner on Wednesdays until Ziggy comes back.”

“Where’d he go?”

“Hospital for stomach pains. They start poking around and bingo!, there’s complications. So it’ll be a while in the hospital for Ziggy if he doesn’t die first.”

“So you’re the fill-in, soon to be the new Ziggy. Is the table a two-top or four?”

“Four, but Dee-Dee doesn’t like the Siegels. No pep. They’re gone.”

“So soon to be a two top with you and the beanpole Dee-Dee with the frizzy two-tone hair.”

“That wouldn’t be so bad. She’s the only woman I’ve met in this morgue who likes a laugh, tells jokes and funny stories. Her neighbor kept an iguana and a chimp. Her son was still living with her, Dee-Dee. The iguana got out. The chimp missed him and tried to go after, and the son, a big guy, overweight, wrestled him down. She tells it all drawn out like. Funny! I nearly died laughing.”

“What happened to the iguana?”

“He’s still out there somewhere in Secaucus.”

“Another question: What happens if Ziggy comes back?”

“No danger. She thinks he has a weak heart.”

“She thinks? Ask me, I think she’s trying to hold on to both of you at once.”

“Jeez, that’d be a problem. A three-top at dinner.”

“No, no, no. They like to fill the tables. So management’ll put a fourth with you. That could be bad.”

“Not if the fourth is you.”

“No, sir. Not me! No, no, no. I’m not falling into that trap.”

“What do you mean, trap?”

“To begin with, these women have their ways. Number one, she already has Ziggy, assuming he comes back. Number two, it looks like she’s already got you. And now, number three, she wants a full house. Three men, all to herself. Uh-uh. Not me. I’m not the kind of boychik who’d fall for that.”

“But some men—like you, for instance—are smarter than women. A guy like you has nothing to worry about.”

“I’ll think about it,” Manny said, sheepish, but flattered. “Still, I’m not promising anything.”

“Don’t worry about it. You’re gonna love it.”

“We’ll see. We’ll see. We’ll see what we will see…”